I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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