My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
