i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
that is very illegal...i love you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
