Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
