You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
