Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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