did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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