worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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