I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
