sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
