We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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