no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
