i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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