Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
