I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
