did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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