i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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