How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
