she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Fuck appropriateness.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Terrible idea I love it
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
