Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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