I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
