Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
