she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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