Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
