New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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