I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
