Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
