i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
