hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
