my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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