I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
