Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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