Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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