I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
