Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Drunk is a universal language darling
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize