Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
