he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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