Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
