i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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