The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
