Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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