Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Edward fifth and chaser hands
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize