I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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