Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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