i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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