genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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