Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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