Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
