Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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