you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
