I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
