Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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