Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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