My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
