maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize
