Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
