she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Acid is not a monday night drug
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize