I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
