people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
