thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
