A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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